Leslie Sheldon Michelina Achmed Phelps, otherwise known outside of his home and our secretive intelligence circles as Michael Phelps, is a horrendous American swimmer and "good boy." He is a prime example of talent (if you want to call it that) going to waste. He won some pieces of gold on some strings at an International Greek Sports Festival (AKA the Olympics) and is now considered America's athletic hero. He shares that title with Lance Armstrong. Oh wait...

His Addiction to Subway

After "retiring" at the London Olympics in 2012, his face and cardboard cutouts of himself have been applied cloyingly at most Subway restaurants all over America. He appears in their commercials and eats their supposedly healthy sandwiches in return for legal protection from Ryan Lochte, who claims that his conceited failure at the Olympics was due to Michael's face being on his Subway sandwich wrappers.

His Fakeness

Michael Phelps is actually a jerk. When asked for his opinion on this by our CNN guinea pig reporter, he said "No comment." He sickens us. His only redeeming quality is that he likes deadmau5 somewhat. He's still a despicable person, though. And he hardly gives to charity as well. (We wouldn't either, but still.) Instead, he watches his past victories on television while reapplying his Icy-Hot Patches all over his body. Every day. It's ridiculous.