Chuck Norris is currently the most awesome being on the face of the planet (according to Wikipedia). He has been featured in media around the nation. His face is a symbol of power and strength and he will always be revered as the coolest (according to Wikipedia) martial artist ever along with Jackie Chan, and Bruce Lee. Chuck has had numerous jokes told about him, all in good fun. But the real story behind him is even better.
Chuck Norris JokesEdit
If this page is too long-winded and rambly, for your tastes, we recommend watching some CNN. You'll get half the humor and a quarter of the political prowess for half the attention span. Guaranteed.
Here are many of his many accomplishments, which have made their way into being jokes (compiled):
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Chuck Norris taught Jackie Chan.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win.
Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
When Chuck Norris steps on a LEGO , the LEGO cries.